ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
