I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
