If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
