Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
