Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
