Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
