I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
