I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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