if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
