im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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