His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
