I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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