just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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