The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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