she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
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If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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