Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
