Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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