someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
