I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
