alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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