9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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