I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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