So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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