Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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