ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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