Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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