I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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