My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
