I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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