I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
