I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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