It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
