yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
