are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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