I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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