we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
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My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
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Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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