The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
