Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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