the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
