i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
