we have pet lesbian snakes
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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