y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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