the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
