shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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