My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
