Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
