I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I am naked and annoyed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize