Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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