My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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