Only a mothe r could love this liver
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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