i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
