What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
