If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
